I don’t want to spoil your holiday season for whatever you are celebrating, but what is really undeniable is that most of Derby are really Festivus worshippers.
First of all, Christmas is about peace, Hanukah is about magic oil, only Festivus is about feats of strength and airing grievances!
Look at this quote from the Book of Festivus: “And once the Festivus meal has been consumed, immediately the Feats of Strength begin. And they must go on until the leader either is wrestled to the floor, or the unhappy ones form another league!”
And the airing of Grievances? This is the ultimate proof that the spirit of Festivus is within all Derby skaters, NSO’s, volunteers, announcers, and leaders of rulesets?
And I have heard many of you relate Miracles of Festivus (“I can’t believe she can get her ass around the track”).
What about the Festivus pole? I have seen the photos posted on social networks of many of you spinning around the pole; obviously you say it is for conditioning and exercise, but why then do you use the Pole?
I have seen none of you spinning around a Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush…
Why this fear of worship of the best of all Holidays, the one that encourages you to beat the shit out of each other? Who has the strength to overcome you?
So this is why I, in an official act of The Commissioner, declare Festivus to be the official Holiday of Roller Derby.
So let us begin with the Feats of Strength.